Anti-caravanning is not always great!

“Anti-carring - the natural gurgling of a toilet” - this is the title of the text from our reader, who, having first become acquainted with a mobile home, decided to share his impressions with us. We invite you!

Caravanners praise independence, tout the benefits of sleeping as one pleases and describe camping as a great adventure. Is it really? My fiancée and I had the opportunity—and, we hoped, the pleasure—to try our hand at the recently famous caravanning. As it turned out, this was neither an opportunity nor a pleasure. Instead, it was a return to the home space and a deep breath expressing the relief of moving freely through a normal home space. Which certainly cannot be said about a plastic camper with an area of ​​9 m².

It’s cramped in a camper, there’s a completely different organization of space than at home, it’s a mess, it’s a piece of land. This form of “rest” is worth exploring, but you won’t necessarily like it. Of course, he has a group of fans known as the caravan community, which I admire in some ways, although without necessarily emulating. Because I certainly don't like taking on the task of clogging a space smaller than the toilet in a 2nd class carriage compartment and risking flooding from a few tomato seeds clogging the sink drain. Is your ultimate vacation dream about taking your "cat" somewhere where you can get rid of him... first thing in the morning, with a full bladder, in front of everyone? So fast that the first sleepy tourist wouldn't pee in the cassette compartment? However, this is even better than a situation where the sewage level rises so high that removing the cassette will cause blue Niagara to fall directly on the person removing it. But it doesn't matter, after all, caravanning is fun. Let's go further.

Media control

When the built-in waste water tank full indicators work correctly, the space fills as quickly as a toilet cassette. The difference is that emptying it is more pleasant. You won't have to look at the fluff falling out of the curved chimney, because it hasn't had time to dissolve in the chemicals developed by a team of NASA specialists. But let's not go into details. This minty scent awakens the senses, as does the modern color in the shade of marmalade juice. If we calculate the price of one dose of the drug added to the cassette, add the percentage of fuel consumption, car rental, the cost of gasoline to warm up the butt and other side needs, we get that one poop can cost up to PLN. 10, which compared to the cost of peeing alone in the station toilet should be standard, at a minimum with gold door handles rather than plastic hinges. These can be found in campers up to 3,5 tons, which, of course, does not guarantee us the freedom and luxury of taking our favorite collection of floats and rocking chair with us. Well, you have to be careful with your weight. So, the calculations begin.

Use a calculator

When to fill up your car, should you drain the gray water before leaving the campsite or will windshield washer fluid be a waste. Have you tried to dissuade a woman from using an iron? Well, it's not that easy, even if you convince your loved one that road travel is fun and freedom. Darling, you will be free, you won’t have to wear makeup. As your hearing returns to normal after much screaming, you wonder if a holiday at Lake Goplo in a food truck-sized hut with a Turkish kebab was a better idea than even a last-minute stay at a fancy hotel in Egypt.

Leaving the base

You can of course take your bike with you for your morning shopping. Then everything is fine. You install a basket on the Highlander and, just making yourself a bit of an idiot, pedal to the nearest GS, advertising essential goods, i.e. “Beer - Ice Cream - Drinks”. You buy what you need or what is available. Probably the latter + commando wine for the sake of curiosity and you return to camp. If you don't have a handlebar basket, things get more complicated. Because you hold the net in one hand or hang it on your handlebars. You'll be lucky if you don't hit the net with your foot, spilling all the sugar and caramels along the way. Breakfast is also a holiday. Here you need to be a professional in gymnastics, at least in corrective gymnastics. Unfortunately, the wonderful benefits of looking into each other's eyes in a cozy family living room in a face2face arrangement remain real, perhaps for people up to 160cm tall. It also - and certainly in bars - requires learning the art of acrobatics, especially if the fork falls to the floor. Well, here you need to take some measures to force some desk employees to move because you can't reach them. Okay, I did it. It's time to wash.

Fuck your head

If you are a kitchen aesthete, forget about mental comfort. You can't wash your hands in a lampshade-sized sink or wash dishes in a similarly sized sink without splashing water all around. And this is true in every camper, regardless of the size and location of the cooking area. The way it is. Just as you won't be able to stretch your legs well by lying crisscrossed in a van, you won't immediately master the rich motor structure of moving around in a van. And it's not just a set of micro-movements that prevent spillage outside the sink. Apparently this takes time. A lot of time. It's time to learn how to squat when someone in your household wants to leave the bathroom and you take out T-shirts from the locker near the door. Sooner or later you will hit the bomb with them and hear curses from the toilet. A celebration of social life.

Shock for DC

But wait. Let's say you don't have a bike and need to drive your camper to the store or go to a gas station to buy a gas tank. And what? Fine. You change the interior configuration from a living room to a mobile one. If the store is close, there is no problem - everything that rattles in the pits can be withstood, but if you go further, you need to secure it. Not just because if you suffered from misophonia you would go crazy, but rather to prevent a loose knife from sticking into the back of your friend's head when braking for a wild boar running out of the forest. However, before you set off, turn off the 230V power supply, collect all the trinkets that might have disappeared in your absence, turn off the vestibule, turn off the gas... Do this several times and your fingers will probably quickly become just as steady. like a carpenter with 20 years of experience. But we're on vacation. Let's not complain!

Feathers in the river

In fact, you should bring enough clothing to protect yourself with one set for one day. Panties and socks are the minimum. So again there is a risk of overload and at least a risky limitation of space. Although there is such a thing as a travel trailer or camper washer, I didn't notice any of the rentals being equipped with one. Maybe it needs to be towed behind the camper and the hook is missing? I have no idea. And if there is no way to wash clothes at the campsite, then we are in... gray water. Well, you can try washing your clothes in the river, but I guarantee you'll win the "Face" for the day at breakneck speed. There is a risk of confusing the entrance to a symphony concert with a benefit performance by Zenek Martyniuk.

A dream about props

In fact, the only thing we were able to do in the camper was sleep. The beds are elements of refinement in terms of size and softness of the mattresses. Provided that we sleep only in the bedroom at the “end of the store.” If you have to get out of bed in the center of your camper every night, you'll quickly realize that going outside for a cigarette in the morning or evening is, to put it mildly, training for the Sweepers. program. It's like an obstacle course. However, if you want to go "bara-bara", you can experience the exotic. Depending on your position, there is a risk of punching a hole in the ceiling... with your butt or your head. Something for lovers of sadomasochism.

As children

I wonder what really attracts people to caravanning, other than the magnet of the only tourism available in Covid times? I have several theories. One is a sense of community with a group with completely unique interests and a community that shares similar vehicles and therefore identifies with the same passions. But where do they come from? Do you need an extreme sport? Probably not, because caravanning is far from it... Although for me some activities were borderline difficult. However, I would chalk this up to personal preference. I would rather focus on the possibility of having a vehicle - a camper or trailer - that is not obvious and is somewhat outside the norm. Stylish and affordable. Currently, a camper costs up to PLN 400, so you can feel superior to your neighbor. And this is our national feature. Let it even be a statue of Marcin Nadjman in the garden, as long as there is no neighbor. The last thought is a return to childhood. To the desire to have a tree house, or to arrange a stand under a table covered with blankets, or to build a cabin in the forest. You need a little space of your own. Is this entertainment for adults? As a child, every Cztere Pancerni fan built a tank somewhere. Be it on your mobile phone or from your living room chairs. Isn't a campervan such a challenge? A topic for sociologists to study.

However, the hotel

Returning to costs and profitability: does caravanning compare favorably with hotels? NO. It's comfortable? NO. That's funny. Of course not. Is this elitist? Certainly. Never before have I paid so much for such a short holiday and so much irritation. I choose a hotel, apartment, agritourism, safari in Ukraine with a set of towels, cosmetics in the bathroom and clean bed linen, for which I do not have to pay extra. And no more hikes, the sight of the neighbor's flip-flops, the crew playing the guitar when I'm sleepy, the sounds of bottles breaking, air conditioner pouring into gray water, spills to maintain the "tea level" and additional surcharges. for a camp table. No more worrying about the wind accidentally knocking down my awning or waking up in the middle of the night with icicles coming out of my nose because the gas tank ran out. I am also grateful for the sounds of defecation echoing throughout the camp. But maybe I’m wrong and this is exactly what we are looking for in nature? Unfortunately, at this point, all these caravans have about as much to do with escapism as Tabasco sauce does for ice cream.